Separation and/or divorce are a difficult time for all families and specially for the young people in the family. There are many issues involved: legal, emotional, psychological, finanical, etc. Everyone involved may act and feel differently than they usually do because of the pressure everyone is likely to be under.

Many things may change. The police where you live may change. You may have to change schools. Just one of your parents may lave the place where family has been living together or everyone may have to move and live in different places. If your family owns a home or condo, it may have to be sold or maybe only one parent and the children will stay in the family residence. No matter what, your parents are not likely to be living together again and this may be hard for you to understand and accept – or, you might be happy that your parents will no longer be together because you won’t have to hear their fighting every day. Decisions about how your time will be divided between your parents and how often you will see each parent will need to be made. Not all of the decisions are likely going to be made at once and it may take quite a while for all of the decisions to be made. Your parents may end up going to court if things can’t be sorted out any other way. You may want to have a say in many of the decisions being made; however, most financial decisions will be your parents’ decisions without your involvement.

Your parents may fight about these decions and they may fight about you. Your parents should try to keep you out of any conflict they are experiencing but you are probably already very aware of their fights and the things they fight about. No matter what they fight about, you are not responsbile for your parents splitting yp and you are not responsible for taking care of them or helping them trough their separation or divorce. You may feel badly for them but you are not responsible for them and they should not be trying to get you to be ‘on their side’ and they should not tell you bad things about your other parent. Your parents are each responsible for their own problems; you are not responsible for them or their problems. Your job, like theirs, is to try to adjust to all the changes and new things that are happening.

Every situation is different.

In typical situations, most parents will hire or talk to a lawyer to help them with legal issues. They may also see someone called a mediator to help them make decisions together and about you and your siblings, if you have any. They may talk to counsellors and therapists and financial advisors, parenting coordinators, divorce coaches, etc. You, too, may want to talk to professionals like a lawyer and/or a counsellor or therapist or the mediator or parent coordinator. If it is possible for you to talk to your mom or dad about it, you could ask them about having your own counseller, or participating in joint counselling if they are doing that with each other. If you want to talk to a lawyer, you should have your own lawyer and it should be a lawyer who knows about the legal representation of children and youth, and a lawyer who knows about children’s rights. You can talk to someone at Youthlaw to help you find a lawyer.

Other Resources:

Statistics Canada, Divorce: http://www.statcan.gc.ca/eng/help/bb/info/divorce

Calgary Counselling Centre: http://www.calgarycounselling.com/counselling/parents-families/

Upon separation, many things will change. There will be legal, financial, and emotional issues to deal with.

When a family is living together, usually both parents decide how their children will be brought up. This includes making decisions about your extracurricular activities, religion, health care, and holidays. Once parents separate, who makes decisions about the children will probably change.

The agreements parents make when they separate or divorce can be as flexible and creative as parents can devise. Separation agreements can be made whether or not parents are divorced. Some parents go to court to decide issues about their children (parenting, custody, access, residency and child support). Going to court can be costly and time-consuming. Conflict, including going to court, is very hard on the children in the family – much harder than the separation or divorce itself.

Divorce is between adults, not kids. Your parents still love you even if they do not want to live with each other anymore.

No. You do not have to choose sides. Many kids feel that they’re caught in the middle. Even if your parents are fighting and want you “on their side”, you are allowed to love both of them.

You can’t fix your parents’ problems or make them happy.

• It is not fair for either of your parents to ask you to take sides or to put pressure on you to be on their side.
• Your parents should not say anything bad about your other parent in front of you.  If they do, try to tell them how that makes you feel and that it would be easier for you if they stopped.

Tip: Try to focus on helping yourself through the situation instead of helping your parents. As much as you may wish you could fix things, there is nothing that you can do for them and nothing you can do to get them back together. You are not responsible for solving your parents’ problems.

Parents are often uncomfortable talking to their kids about what’s going on in these types of situations. Sometimes they just don’t know what to say and there are no legal rules about what can be told or what you have a right to know. Also, parents in a divorce are often angry and saying bad things about each other.  If this is happening, they may want to shield you from these kinds of comments as it is personal to them and they don’t want to hurt your relationship with the other parent.

Your parents should be telling you about things that affect you but they should not be trying to convince you that their side of the story is the right one. Your parents shouldn’t be drawing you into their fight with each other, even if it is about you.

You have a right to information about what is happening but that is very different from a parent telling you about their problems with your other parent.

If you are able to, ask your parents questions if you have them.

• Answering questions might actually make it easier for them to talk to you.
• If they tell you that it is none of your business, you might try to tell them politely that you think it is, because many of the decisions and changes affect you. However, many of the issues that parents deal with in a divorce, such as money and property, should not be shared with you.
• Your parents probably have an idea of what’s going on and might be able to help you understand what’s happening.

You might also want to tell them what you need and want from them. You probably have a lot of things to say to them. Your parents aren’t perfect and have a lot on their minds when they are going through a separation or divorce. If you are able, and it is safe for you, let them know how you are feeling and tell them how their actions affect you.

Parents usually try not to worry their children with “adult” information so they might not tell you very much. Other parents involve their children too much in their own problems and emotions. Neither situation is fair.

If there is information you want to know, ask.

• Many parents often don’t realize that it will probably be easier for you to deal with things if you have some idea of what is going on – you may have to help them figure that out.
• Parents often don’t know how to talk to their children about these kinds of personal issues, but if you ask them some questions, they might have easier time figuring out how to tell you.

• Try to tell your parents what you think or feel because you will have to live with the decisions that are made about you. If you want to have a say in those decisions, you will have to talk to your parents and tell them what you think and feel.
• Maybe you could write them a letter or draw a picture.

Tip: Sometimes talking it through with someone other than a parent can help you figure things out: a family friend, a school counselor, or perhaps a lawyer might be able to help.

While parents make the final decisions about what happens to the family, the child’s opinion about what should happen is important and should be considered.

The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child gives a child that is capable of forming his or her own views the right to express those views in matters that affect the child, taking into account the child’s age and maturity. However, children should not be responsible for making the decision about who will care for them.

• Convention on the Rights of the Child, United Nations, Treaty Series , vol. 1577, p. 3; depositary notifications C.N.147.1993.TREATIES-5 of 15 May 1993 [amendments to article 43 (2)]; and C.N.322.1995.TREATIES-7 of 7 November 1995 [amendment to article 43 (2)].

It is not your job to hold your parents or the family together even though you might want to. What you do will not usually affect your parents’ decision to separate.

• Getting better grades, helping around the house, or getting along with your brother or sister are nice things to do, but they will not get your parents back together.
• Divorce and separation are decided by adults and are usually final decisions.

• The biggest changes will probably be where you live, with whom you live and how often you see each of your parents.
• There are many possible living arrangements. Each situation is different. You might move, you might live only with one parent, you might spend equal or almost equal time with each parent or you might live mostly with one parent, you might spend the summer with one parent. Any parent you don’t live with is still your parent.
• If there are some things you really care about, you should be allowed to tell your parents so they can think about your feeling and opinions too.

Best Interests of the Child

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s.18
• Divorce Act, R.S.C. 1985, c.3 (2nd Supp.) ss. 16(8), 17(5)

There is no specific age when you can decide where you want to live. The answer to this question depends on your situation.

• Usually around 14, 15 or 16, your opinion about where you want to live will probably be the most important or one of the most important factors in the decision about where you will live when your parents separate.
• There is no law that says when you are 12 you get to decide where you want to live.
• If you want to live with your other parent, and you feel safe in doing so, you need to discuss this with both of your parents. If you don’t feel safe talking to you parents, try to find another adult you can trust to talk to.

• You might be able to talk to a counselor or a children’s lawyer for some help.
• If you and your parents can’t agree, the parent with whom you want to live or visit might have to go to court.
• Sometimes with outside help, change can be made without having to go to court. A mediator or a lawyer may be able to assist you in reaching an agreement with you parents.
• If an arrangement can’t be worked out, the parents with whom the child wants to live or visit might have to go to court. Although no decisions are final when children are involved, usually there needs to be a “substantial change” in the parent’s or child’s circumstances in order for an application to be made to vary an existing court order or agreement.

“Substantial change” could include:

• One of the parents moves or wishes to leave the geographic area
• There is new information affecting the child that was previously not available
• Family violence or abuse
• A significant passage of time such that the child is much older

Generally speaking, it is difficult to make changes in living arrangements if the parents do not agree.

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s. 34
• Divorce Act, R.S.C. 1985, c.3 (2nd Supp.) s. 17(5)

• Your step-parents should support your relationship with your parent(s).
• Sometimes, if your step-parent(s) has a good relationship with each of your parents, he or she can help sort out issues between you and your parents and might be a good person to talk to.

There may be some good reasons why you might want to try to accept your step-parent having some authority over you – such as just surviving in this new reality of a BLENDED FAMILY!

Everyone in a family needs to know and understand the role of a step-parent. Have a family discussion about it so everyone can have input and so that everyone has the same information and understanding.

There are quite a few legal words that are used that deal with children’s issues when parents separate and divorce.

• This area of law is called FAMILY LAW. Family law in Alberta is always changing. New words are being used. We will try to explain both the old and the new words that you might hear.

For example, your parents might make a PARENTING or SEPARATION AGREEMENT.

• An AGREEMENT (parenting or separation) is a contract between your parents. In addition to other information it may describe where you will live, how much time you will spend with each parent and the rights and duties of your parents to you and to each other.
• If your parents go to court to get decisions made, the judge might make an ORDER or a JUDGMENT that says or decides the same kinds of things that might otherwise be in an agreement.
• You might hear your parents talking about PARENTING ORDERS or CONSENT ORDERS.
• A PARENTING ORDER is made when your parents cannot agree themselves and a judge decides where you will live, how often you will see your parents, whether child support will be paid, how much, and other similar issues.
• A CONSENT ORDER means that your parents agreed on these issues but they decided to put their agreement into a court order and have a judge sign it.

You will probably also hear words like JOINT and SOLE CUSTODY, ACCESS, CONTACT, VISITATION, and AFFIDAVIT.

JOINT and SOLE CUSTODY are types of PARENTING ORDERS. There are very few sole custody orders made now. Joint and sole custody refer more to decision-making responsibilities rather than time spent with children. Joint custody means that both parents have equal say in the important decisions in a child’s life. While the children are in their care, each parent will usually have authority to make day-to-day decisions without the involvement of the other parent.

Provincial legislation in Alberta (The Family Law Act) does not use the terms JOINT or SOLE CUSTODY. Instead, PARENTING ORDERS are set out stating:

• The amount of time each parent has with the child
• The division or powers and responsibilities in regard to the child

However, the best interests of the child is still the basis upon which decisions about children are to be made. The Divorce Act, which applies across Canada, still uses the words “custody” and “access.” You should talk to a lawyer to find out if this makes any difference for you.

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5
• Divorce Act, R.S.C. 1985, c.3 (2nd Supp.)

• Every situation is different, but there are times when you have a right to know what is in court documents such as when a court order sets out visiting times or where you will live.
• Your parents should not ask you to read court documents or ask you to help them with their court documents.

Reading court documents to get information may not be the best way to get it.

• Sometimes your parents will be able to answer questions for you; sometimes not. They will each have their own point of view and might try to get you to see things the way they do.
• Some court documents just tell one side of the story, so it can be hard to get accurate information about what is happening.

Tip: You might need someone independent from each of your parents to help you get correct information. To find out about these kinds of issues you might need to talk to a lawyer who is not your Mom’s or Dad’s lawyer.

Youth Law provides assistance in a limited number of cases to young people who would not otherwise have access to a lawyer. The children must reside in Calgary, and the legal action must be in Calgary. Sometimes the Legal Aid Society of Alberta might assist by paying for a lawyer for a young person.

• You can ask to read court documents but you might not be allowed to.
• You may need some outside help to be allowed to read court documents that apply to you and to understand them. This could include talking to a lawyer, a counselor, or an adult you trust.

• If anything like this is happening, it is time for you to have your own lawyer.
• You should be able to talk to your own lawyer before you help with, sign, create or have anything to do with any papers that either of your parents or their lawyers ask you to sign or make.

Some judges will talk to children and teenagers and others will not. If you really want to talk to a judge, it is a good idea to have your own lawyer to help you and to figure out what is possible.

Some judges will read letters written to them by young people, others will not. You should not write a letter to a judge because somebody tells you to. If you want to write the judge a letter, it is best to do that with the help of a lawyer.

• the type of relationship you have with each of your parents any other significant person in your life
• your physical and emotional needs
• the ability of your parents to care for you and make good decisions
• your culture, language and religion
• lots of other information

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s.18
• Divorce Act, R.S.C. 1985, c.3 (2nd Supp.) ss. 16(8),(9)(10)

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Usually young people are not in court when their parents are fighting about them. There is not a specific age when a judge will listen to what children and teenagers think and want.

• Most judges think that children and teenagers should not be the ones to make decisions but judges still often want to know what young people want to have happen.
• If you want a judge to know what you think then it is important to tell an adult you trust.

Sometimes you will need to get your own lawyer so everyone can know what you want to have happen and so your parents hear what you think. A child can have a say about who they want to live with. The older you are the more likely it is that what you think should happen will be what a judge decides.

• Judges usually will not order 16 year olds to do things or to live where they do not want to.
• Quite often judges will not order 14 year olds either, but sometimes they will order them to do things even if the young person wants something different to happen.
• Sometimes if you are more than about 12 years old, your opinion will be more important to the judge than if you were younger but you still will not be allowed to decide what happens.
• Every situation is different.

Usually your individual circumstances and what the judge thinks is good for you will be as important as what you think should happen. However, most judges will want to know your opinion before they make their decision even if they do not agree with you.

• If it is possible and safe, talk to your parents about how you feel. It is always better if your parents can sort things out without going to court.
• If you feel you cannot talk to your parents maybe you can talk to an adult who understands your situation but doesn’t take sides and see if they can help you talk to your parents.
• If you are old enough and mature enough you might be able to get your own lawyer to help but most court matters are considered adult responsibilities, not yours.

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s. 40
• Divorce Act, R.S.C. 1985, c.3 (2nd Supp.) s. 20(3)

Sometimes one of your parents may want you to move with them to another city.

Your parent may need permission from your other parent or the court if they want to move to another city.

What is most important is what is best for you. Some of the things that should be thought about are:

• What is your relationship like with each of your parents?
• Will it be good for your life if you move (good schools, activities, and health care)?
• Will your relationship with your other parent be affected and will you still be able to have a good relationship or visit as much?
• How long have you lived in your present neighbourhood and how happy are you there?
• Will you have friends or relatives in the new city or will you be leaving most of them behind?
• Are there good reasons for your parent wanting to move?

If you and your parents don’t agree on whether you should move, they will probably go to mediation or court. It is really difficult to know what a judge will decide, but the judge’s decision is to be based on what would be best for you. Everyone should know what you think. If you have an opinion that you want them to consider you should tell an adult.

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s.33(2)
• Divorce Act, R.S.C. 1985, c.3 (2nd Supp.) s. 16(7)
• Gordon v. Goertz (1996), 134 D.L.R. (4th) 321 (S.C.C)

• If it is safe for you to do so, talk with your parents and explain what you want and why.
• Sometimes a lawyer or a counselor can help you talk to your parents.
• It might be possible to make a plan. In general, there needs to be a good reason before a change can be made.
• If you and your parents can’t agree, the parent with whom you want to live or visit might have to go to court. If your parents have to go to court, then the judge will look at your whole situation and make the decisions that he or she thinks would be best for you.
• If things have changed between your parents in a way that affects you or if there are serious problems between you and one of your parents, the judge might consider changing the arrangement to make sure that you are happy, safe and doing and feeling well.
• But even if things are not going well with one of your parents, it can still be difficult to convince a judge that things should be changed. Sometimes, if you are old enough and mature enough, you can make the changes you want without anyone going to court.

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s.34
• Divorce Act, R.S.C. 1985, c.3 (2nd Supp.) ss. 17

• Usually it is not one parent’s responsibility to make sure that you visit the other parent’s relatives.
• If there are people that you want to visit, make sure your parents know. You should be able to make plans to see the people you want to see as long as you will be safe there.
• Grandparents and sometimes other relatives or people who are important in your life may be able to get a court order allowing them to visit you. This is sometimes called a CONTACT ORDER.

• Family Law Act, S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s.35

• asks you to carry messages to your other parent
• asks you a lot of questions about your other parent*
• asks you to keep secrets from your other parent*
• expects you to listen to him or her saying mean things or lies about your other parent or your other parent’s family and friends*

If you can, and it is safe, tell your parents how you feel. If you possibly can, tell them they need to work out their problems themselves – that is not your job.

*Sometimes this kind of behaviour by a parent can be a form of abuse and you should talk to an adult you trust about it.

• If a judge makes this order, then you are supposed to go to counselling.
• Sometimes your parents will want you to go to counselling.

Tip: It is often good to go to counselling and sometimes it can be a way to have information that you think is important brought to the attention of people who are making decisions about you.

• If your parents do not allow you to attend counselling, there may be other resources available to you.

• Child support is an adult problem for your parents to sort out themselves without involving you.
• You should not have to be involved in or have to worry about child support.
• There is no choice about paying child support.
• The law requires that if you live with one parent, the other parent has to pay child support.
• Parents should not be arguing about child support and neither parent should be complaining to you about child support or their money problems. They should not be making you feel responsible for any financial problems they might be experiencing.
• Both of your parents are responsible for paying a share of the costs of raising you no matter which parent you live with.

Child support is not decided by whether you are seeing both of your parents. The law says that payment of child support is separate from access or visitation.

• Some parents are tempted to stop paying their child support to punish the other parent for not allowing access. They should not do that.
• Some parents try to force the other parent to pay child support before they will allow that parent to see his or her child. They should not do that either.
• Some parents just don’t pay but that is not your fault and it is not right.
• If one of your parents is not paying child support, you should still be allowed to see that parent.
• It is your parents, not your responsibility to try to get your other parent to pay the child support.

Family Law Act

S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5

• s. 49 – Obligation
• s. 50 – Child Support Order
• s. 53 – Child Suppor Agreement

Divorce Act R.S.C. 1985, c. 3 (2nd Supp.)

• s. 15.1
• s. 15.3

Federal Child Support Guidelines SOR/97-175

Family Law Act

S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5

• s. 49 – Obligation
• s. 50 – Child Support Order
• s. 53 – Child Suppor Agreement

Divorce Act R.S.C. 1985, c. 3 (2nd Supp.)

• s. 15.1
• s. 15.3

Federal Child Support Guidelines SOR/97-175

• There may be reasons why the money is being spent the way it is.
• Your parent receiving the money has the right to decide how the money is going to be spent.
• Your basic needs should be met. If they are not, child support might need to be increased or the way it is spent might need to be changed.

Tip: Money is often a very difficult subject for your parents so you may want to get some advice from some other adult you trust before you start talking to your parents about how child support is being spent.

• If you move to live with your other parent, child support and which parent is required to pay it, will almost always change.
• Child support can also change if the income of either of your parents changes or if there are some extra expenses in your life.
• This is a complicated issue. Your parents should be working it out without involving you.

• Family Law Act S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s. 52
• Divorce Act R.S.C. 1985, c. 3 (2nd Supp.) s.17
• Federal Child Support Guidelines SOR/97-175 s.14

• Federal Child Support Guidelines SOR/97-175
• Divorce Act R.S.C. 1985, c. 3 (2nd Supp.) s. 26.1
• Alberta Child Support Guidelines Alta. Reg. 147/2005

• It is the responsibility of the parent with whom you do not live to pay child support and the responsibility of the parent with whom you live to try to make sure it is paid, not yours. Your parents should not be involving you in these arrangements.
• The provincial government has a program called the Maintenance Enforcement Program (MEP), that can help parents collect child support.

• Maintenance Enforcement Act, R.S.A. 2000, c. M-1

A custody order is a court order between your parents so one of them has to apply to the court to change it. A parent can ask his/her lawyer to apply for a change or can do this himself/herself if self-represented (we suggest going to the Family Law Information Centre for help).

• Family Law Act S.A. 2003, c. F-4.5 s.34
• Divorce Act R.S.C. 1985, c. 3 (2nd Supp.) s. 17

If your mom refuses to let you see relatives from your dad’s side of the family, your relatives may have to apply to the court to get an order saying that they can spend time with you, otherwise guardians with sole custody have full decision making power.

• Family Law Act, SA 2003, c. F-4.5, s.35 – contact orders

Reviewed 09/16